The World this week

Obama v America

This week saw continued problems for the world's favourite politician, President Obama. In what has predictably become the biggest hurdle of his presidency so far, Obama has begun his plans to introduce a European-style healthcare system to the United States. As a result of this move, he has become the Devil. He was already the anti-Christ of the GOP but now the ant-Obama vitriol has spread to the wider American public. They don't want this terrible socialist system forced upon pure, capitalist America. This will make America like Soviet Russia. Unthinkable, but there are worse claims. These claims have come from the Republican voice of acrimony, SARAH PALIN. The now resigned governor of Alaska's baseless claims that Obama's system will set up "death panels" to determine whether her disabled chile (and others like him) should live or die has generated terror among America's redknecks and working class heroes. In any other country in the civilised world, such claims would be consider ludicrous. Not in America. In any other country in the world, ordinary working people would not be rejecting a state healthcare system. Not in America. In any other civilised country, Obama would have come in for criticism much earlier than this. Not in America.

Eight years later, 204 dead

The big news in Britain this week has been the level of casualties from the war in Afghanistan. In just under 8 years, there have been 204 British soldiers killed. The British see this as a travesty. Furthermore, most Britons don't understand why they went to war (having forgotten their alliance with an America that no longer exists) and they don't believe the war can be won. Is this the same country that fought the French for 116 years? Is this the same country that stood alone against Hitler, facing huge civilian casualties and the near-total destruction of everything they held dear while the world watched and did nothing? Two-hundred and four dead in eight years and they're whining about it?

The Nay-sayers and NAMA

The National Assets Management Agency is facing some stern opposition. There is even a Facebook group opposing its creation. They tell us it's the only way to save the banks and by extension the country. I'm not an economist.

Recession over?

It's over. Yes, it really is over. Or at least it's over in France, Germany and Japan (and technically Britain too). It certainly isn't over here. It seems the criteria for getting out of recession are that you have to be big and rich but that was never really in question.

The world spins ever on, what will happen this week?

Why it's good to be alive and twenty

Woe! Doom! Gloom! The Crash, the Collapse, the Credit Crunch, the end of the world!!! It isn't, really. Yes, it's the biggest economic disaster since the Great Depression eighty years ago and it will mean huge difficulties for everyone but there are plenty of reasons why people of my generation should be pleased to be alive right now (strictly for people born circa 1990)

Reason 1: No Generation X

The days of '90s grunge are thankfully behind us AND we lived through them. We grew up with when boybands and girlbands ruled the world, when kids' TV was excellent, when peace and prosperity were a given. We had it good and now we're able to look back and see the difference. The youth of the '90s were an apathetic, dirty, uneducated lot. We are not. We are intelligent, ambitious, thoroughly European. We do not despise the world we live in, nor are we despised by it. In Ireland, we're called the ceasefire generation, never having known the real threat of the IRA, we might also be called the post-9/11 generation, an event we all remember and which has moulded our outlook and the world we live in. And we all hated Bush, don't forget. Generation X rejected the world, didn't know how to dress, moshed and didn't wash. This generation sips cappuccinos, has cocktail parties, discusses world events. We're just so cool while we're trying to be sophisticated.

Reason 2: Recession

Some may say this is a bad thing. Well, they are right, the international, financial downturn is the biggest disaster in decades. But it has its upside. During the Depression, Hollywood made its best ever films, the most influential books have been written during and about the Depression, it produced many brilliant writers, politicians and actors and continues to fascinate us. That is the reality we face now. Hollywood is better than it has been in decades, now that Televison is dying. We're the generation that will be the authoritative authors of the Recession. Even the music, so much of it, isn't half bad. We live in the electic age. We are the Eclectic Generation.

Reason 3: Obama

Yes. I went there. I may not believe that he's the saviour of the world or that the sun shines out of his proverbial but those of us in the Eclectic Generation, if we don't love him, at least admire him and can't bring ourselves to disapprove. He is an undeniable media darling and global sensation. He is an icon of this generation and will continue to be the most famous man in the world, now that MJ is dead, at least. After years of despising and criticising Bush, this type of man is a welcome relief and he is more than that, he is someone who can be looked up to (a rare thing in a time and country like ours).

Reason 4: Loose morals

Don't lie, yes, we have little if any morals. We drink to excess, we sleep around, sometimes we may even indulge in soft, recreational drugs. We have fun and we don't judge each other's actions (which is just as well, considering what we get up to).

Reason 5: It will end

The Recession will end. We will get jobs once the recovery happens. This is reason to be optimistic. Unfortunately, our youth and right to have debauched fun will also end. This is reason to be sad. The important part is that these too events will most likely coincide. Basically, the fun of youthful exuberance will fade at about the same time as the economy recovers, so whether we like it or not, we have to have our fun NOW, crisis or nor crisis. So, go do it.

Come back Lenin, we miss you

Put the Wall back up, place the nukes on stand-by and alert the Oval Office that they may lose most of the east coast, the Cold War is back on! The wise, new President Obama, in consultation with his Russian and European counterparts, has concluded a treaty restoring the Soviet Union and mutual assured destruction and the world has breathed a sigh of relief. Osama Bin Laden? Pah! Who's afraid of Al-Qaeda when the Russkies have enough ICBMs aimed at Washington to destroy the world 100 times over? No more worrying about highjacking aircraft, any suspicious plane will be shot down by NORAD as a suspected Soviet spy. That's right, the good old days are here again!

Alll across the world, the people rejoice! In Europe, the original members of NATO are delighted that finally their troops won't waste their time trying to steal oil from Islamic despotisms. No, not they. Rather, they'll do what they were mandated to do: interfere in internal politics of proto-socialist nations to "contain" the Commi threat and combat the Domino effect.

In Germany, the Federal government is delighted to be rid of the expense of the former (now renewed) DDR, and Chancellor Angela Merkel finally has the Stassi at her command to enforce her Ossi will.

In the USSR (formerly Russia), the Kremlin is dressed for full, beligerent, Communistic celebration, now that Putin and Medvedev don't need to worry about going through elections to retain power. The Russian Bear is fully restored to its superpower status and the military parades are back to prove it.

In the home of freedom (USA), the House Un-American Activities Committee is knee deep in hearings to root out the Commi slime that lurks within the state, as it surely must now that the Soviets are at the door again. President Obama has begun practicing his rhetoric and re-orientating his foreign policy to focus once more on defeating the Red Scourge. All of America is concentrated on this glorious goal of making everyone in the world as free as they are, by force if necessary, and they have never been happier. As for the economy, the military-industrial complex is working overtime to manufacture as many massively dangerous weapons as possible, not to mention equipping the new army recruits for inevitable, future invasions. Times are good.

What an Elephant can learn from a Bongo

Robert Gabriel Mugabe should be the world's best dictator. He has an Oxford education, more degrees than Stephen Fry and Stephen Hawking put together, a tight, crab-like grip on power in his native Zimbabwe, he even has the opposition on his side. Like all good post-colonial leaders, he blames the colonial powers for all his country's problems (and there are a lot). Like all good dictators everywhere, he blames the British for everything. So why is Mugabe seen as a failure?

Well, the answer lies in the recently deceased dictator of Gabon, Omar Bongo Ondimba. He had not only ruled longer than Mugabe, but he proved that a despotic kleprocrat could operate under the radar and even be rewarded for it. How was this possible?

Omar Bongo's Guide to Being a Dictator
Step One: Act like the colonial power. Speak the conquerors' language, fully endorse their culture, even live in their capital and hobnob with their political élites.

Step Two: Have as many bank accounts as possible (Bongo had at least seventy). This way, you can keep as muc of you purloined foreign aid money hidden in as many places as possible.

Step Three: Make sure that your country has the highest intake of caviar and champagne in the world, even if you have to consume it all yourself. This way, it looks like your nation is extravagantly rich.

Step Four: Fund/bribe the leaders of the former colonial power, this way they will never call you up on abuses of power, because you'll have dirt on them (and they'll owe you money).

Step Five: Maintain a foreign military base near your centre of power, so that if your people ever look like they're on the brink of revolt, you can call on your colonial allies to break some native heads.

Step Six: Make sure that if you are ever revealed as the kleptocratic hypocrite that you are, it will be such an embarassment to an important European government that their international prestige will take an irreperable hit. This way, they'll simply have to conceal your despotism and fund your lavish, exorbitant lifestyle.

Step Seven: If your opposition proves a problem, just hold free democratic elections and win. That way no-one can claim that you're not the legitamite ruler of your tinpot, little African country.

Step Eight: Install your relatives (especially sons) in key ministries of the government or alternatively hold all the major ministries yourself. None of your relatives will question your orders, since that would cause terrible family problems. And you're certainly not going to disagree with yourself.

Step Nine: Never ever ever do anything to attract international attention. Don't commit acts of genocide, don't invade neighbours, don't fund international terrorist organisations. Remember: You are not that syphillitic madman Id Amin, nor that cannibalistic lunatic Bokassa. For the love of God don't declare yourself Emperor.

Step Ten: If your wife divorces you and starts a pop career singing offensive songs about your new wife, don't do something idiotic like having her killed. Just let it go, it will make you look better in the long run.

Step Eleven: You don't represent some idealogical, philosophical politick. Don't make loud noises about America, you're not Colonel Gaddafi.

Step Twelve: Make sure most of the world doesn't know where your country is, or even that is exists, since you have no oil you'll just prove a nuisance if you're seen to exist. And if you do all this, you just might get an obituary in the Economist. But don't worry, even after you're dead, no-one will notice your crimes.

Why the BNP did so well

Mr White: The Story of a BNP voter

Mr White was an average, working class British citizen and like all average, working class British citizens he had a healthy, irrational fear of foreign types, loved his Queen and was white. He knew what those foreign types were really up to. He knew that they came from a land of eternal darkness, where wolves and vampires came into the small, grubby, isolated foreign villages at night and carried children off to their lairs. He knew also that those foreign infiltrators had come to Britain (rule Brittania! God save the Queen!) to escape the roving death squads and constant witch trials that were so common in uncivilised countries, Mr White could mention France but chose not to. And then they came to Britain (rule Brittania! God save the Queen) to steal jobs from unsuspecting, hardworking Britons. While Mr White didn't work himself (he was provided for by the social welfare) he still felt afronted by the theft of local jobs.

On election day he awoke early, which for him was about 3 in the afternoon. He ate a hurried breakfast of good, solid, grease-filled, artery clogging British meat and eggs. He knew that he might one day suffer the repercussions from this, but he was a British patriot, damn it! He wasn't going to eat any foreign rubbish. And all the healthy food his doctor recommended was foreign made. After breakfast, he picked up his crayon and headed to the polling station. He normally did not vote because the polling station was in the local library and he wasn't allowed there because of certain unpleasantness This year, however, the polling station was in the local school. That court case was still pending.

He went to the polling station, was reminded that he needed his voting card so he headed straight off home. He found his voting card under a pile of angry letters he had written to the BBC, the Home Office and Radio 1 the previous day and made a beeline for the polling station. He took his voting card, scrutinised it closely and made his big "X" next to his preferred candidate on the fourth attempt. At the end of the ballot he wrote "For too keep the forigners out. God save the Kween!", dropped his ballot paper into the box and went home.

Once at home, had a dinner of fried British bread, wrote an irate letter to the Prime Minister's office on the proiliferation of immoral and irreligious programming on television nowadays. Then he watched a cheap snuff film followed by a documentary on Hitler and then went to his bed and dreamed of a world without foreigners.

The next day he was arrested on outstanding warrants for sending sexually explicit e-mails to Anne Widdecombe MP.

FIN