What an Elephant can learn from a Bongo

Robert Gabriel Mugabe should be the world's best dictator. He has an Oxford education, more degrees than Stephen Fry and Stephen Hawking put together, a tight, crab-like grip on power in his native Zimbabwe, he even has the opposition on his side. Like all good post-colonial leaders, he blames the colonial powers for all his country's problems (and there are a lot). Like all good dictators everywhere, he blames the British for everything. So why is Mugabe seen as a failure?

Well, the answer lies in the recently deceased dictator of Gabon, Omar Bongo Ondimba. He had not only ruled longer than Mugabe, but he proved that a despotic kleprocrat could operate under the radar and even be rewarded for it. How was this possible?

Omar Bongo's Guide to Being a Dictator
Step One: Act like the colonial power. Speak the conquerors' language, fully endorse their culture, even live in their capital and hobnob with their political élites.

Step Two: Have as many bank accounts as possible (Bongo had at least seventy). This way, you can keep as muc of you purloined foreign aid money hidden in as many places as possible.

Step Three: Make sure that your country has the highest intake of caviar and champagne in the world, even if you have to consume it all yourself. This way, it looks like your nation is extravagantly rich.

Step Four: Fund/bribe the leaders of the former colonial power, this way they will never call you up on abuses of power, because you'll have dirt on them (and they'll owe you money).

Step Five: Maintain a foreign military base near your centre of power, so that if your people ever look like they're on the brink of revolt, you can call on your colonial allies to break some native heads.

Step Six: Make sure that if you are ever revealed as the kleptocratic hypocrite that you are, it will be such an embarassment to an important European government that their international prestige will take an irreperable hit. This way, they'll simply have to conceal your despotism and fund your lavish, exorbitant lifestyle.

Step Seven: If your opposition proves a problem, just hold free democratic elections and win. That way no-one can claim that you're not the legitamite ruler of your tinpot, little African country.

Step Eight: Install your relatives (especially sons) in key ministries of the government or alternatively hold all the major ministries yourself. None of your relatives will question your orders, since that would cause terrible family problems. And you're certainly not going to disagree with yourself.

Step Nine: Never ever ever do anything to attract international attention. Don't commit acts of genocide, don't invade neighbours, don't fund international terrorist organisations. Remember: You are not that syphillitic madman Id Amin, nor that cannibalistic lunatic Bokassa. For the love of God don't declare yourself Emperor.

Step Ten: If your wife divorces you and starts a pop career singing offensive songs about your new wife, don't do something idiotic like having her killed. Just let it go, it will make you look better in the long run.

Step Eleven: You don't represent some idealogical, philosophical politick. Don't make loud noises about America, you're not Colonel Gaddafi.

Step Twelve: Make sure most of the world doesn't know where your country is, or even that is exists, since you have no oil you'll just prove a nuisance if you're seen to exist. And if you do all this, you just might get an obituary in the Economist. But don't worry, even after you're dead, no-one will notice your crimes.