Why the BNP did so well

Mr White: The Story of a BNP voter

Mr White was an average, working class British citizen and like all average, working class British citizens he had a healthy, irrational fear of foreign types, loved his Queen and was white. He knew what those foreign types were really up to. He knew that they came from a land of eternal darkness, where wolves and vampires came into the small, grubby, isolated foreign villages at night and carried children off to their lairs. He knew also that those foreign infiltrators had come to Britain (rule Brittania! God save the Queen!) to escape the roving death squads and constant witch trials that were so common in uncivilised countries, Mr White could mention France but chose not to. And then they came to Britain (rule Brittania! God save the Queen) to steal jobs from unsuspecting, hardworking Britons. While Mr White didn't work himself (he was provided for by the social welfare) he still felt afronted by the theft of local jobs.

On election day he awoke early, which for him was about 3 in the afternoon. He ate a hurried breakfast of good, solid, grease-filled, artery clogging British meat and eggs. He knew that he might one day suffer the repercussions from this, but he was a British patriot, damn it! He wasn't going to eat any foreign rubbish. And all the healthy food his doctor recommended was foreign made. After breakfast, he picked up his crayon and headed to the polling station. He normally did not vote because the polling station was in the local library and he wasn't allowed there because of certain unpleasantness This year, however, the polling station was in the local school. That court case was still pending.

He went to the polling station, was reminded that he needed his voting card so he headed straight off home. He found his voting card under a pile of angry letters he had written to the BBC, the Home Office and Radio 1 the previous day and made a beeline for the polling station. He took his voting card, scrutinised it closely and made his big "X" next to his preferred candidate on the fourth attempt. At the end of the ballot he wrote "For too keep the forigners out. God save the Kween!", dropped his ballot paper into the box and went home.

Once at home, had a dinner of fried British bread, wrote an irate letter to the Prime Minister's office on the proiliferation of immoral and irreligious programming on television nowadays. Then he watched a cheap snuff film followed by a documentary on Hitler and then went to his bed and dreamed of a world without foreigners.

The next day he was arrested on outstanding warrants for sending sexually explicit e-mails to Anne Widdecombe MP.

FIN